By nature I am taut beast and inhabit a body that without vigilant lengthening likes to bunch up. Despite this fact, I have never found a flexibility program that I could stick too for more than a week. The issue became even more pressing a few years back when I hit thirty and began noticing that I was waking up stiff; even when I hadn’t done an outrageous workout the day before. With the help of denial, one of my top three coping mechanisms, I learned to live with being a grumpy 80-year-old man for the first 15 minutes of the day.

In my quest to loosen the heck up I tried yoga, but could never get into the groove of it. I found it difficult to surrender such large chunks of time to something that didn’t involve a ball or any opportunities for high-fives and beer. The type of people who tend to gravitate to yoga also irritated me and made me feel even more tense. I wanted to wrap their hemp, patchouli smelling yoga mats around their beatific faces and squeeze with all the power of my mighty and stiff muscles. I’m still looking for a beginning yoga class specifically designed for people who hate people who like yoga.

My other strategy was to buy stretching books and leave them by my bed. This hasn’t worked very well either, though I always have something flat to write on in a pinch. One of my pet peeves with stretching manuals is that nobody in them really needs to stretch. Every model pictured is already human taffy and probably would remain more flexible then me for the rest of their days if they never did another downward dog (or “bend and grunt” as I like to call it).

I think learning to incorporate stretching and flexibility into your life is something like quitting smoking, you have to try a bunch of times before you get it right. You also have to do it long enough to get results, which for me include a springy, light feeling that I don’t get with other kinds of workouts. It is also good to know that before I plop my rump down at the computer for the first part of my day that I have taken steps to avoid turning into a human question mark.

Recently I have hit upon a stretching routine that is actually working for me and I want to share it with all my comrades in pre-rigamortis. Stay tuned for “Straight, Supple and Feeling Fine” and sit up straight!