Yoga is supposed to make you feel good. It is supposed to clear out tension blockades, release energy to flow like fresh mountain spring water and open up, relax and harmonize the body. It is true that the practice of yoga can accomplish corporeal and spiritual magic, but if the yogis around me have their feet twice wrapped around their heads while I struggle to bend over, angst becomes the order of my day.

Yoga is not supposed to be a competitive sport (though I have heard of yoga competitions).  If only taking off my westernized, capitalistic view point was as easy as taking off my shoes and socks at the studio door. I bring my perspective with me and it causes me to suffer and because they keep reminding you to be in the present moment, I am much more aware of this suffering then I would usually be. From my vantage, most of the people in my yoga classes are “better” then me. They are more flexible and more balanced. They can do the poses as shown without the support of the three bricks, two blankets, a strap and a crane. I know that I should love and honor my body where it is at, but it is difficult when it appears that the bodies around me are in better places. Sometimes the flexy bodied people make inane comments and then I feel a bit better. “They may be more flexible, but they are a bit idiotic.” It is a small and dark comfort.

I see them in headstands, their bodies taut and balanced, their shoulders limber and strong and I try not to hate them. I resist the childish urge to knock them over like a stack of blocks. I try to distract myself with sexy thoughts of the instructor, something I am an experienced expert at. Sadly even that leads to pain as I realize that a yoga instructor would want to have superhuman, inverted, levitating yoga sex. I probably wouldn’t be up for it and who wants all those yoga blocks in bed anyway?

And then, when I have myself worked up into a respectable tizzy I remember who I should really be comparing myself to; my neurotic family. They are charming folk, all of them, and they can’t help it if they make more money then me, drive nicer cars, vote Republican and only recycle if a hippy stars knowing on their legs. All of them, with the exception of my 2-year old nephew, are stiffer then me. They have superbly tight and knotty hips and hamstrings and practically have to UPS their socks to their feet in the morning. They have more energy blockages then the 405 Freeway at 7:30. My father who has taken up yoga in his 60’s cannot sit in simple cross legged pose without several assistive devices.

When you are dating someone you can look at their parents to see what you might be waking up to in 25 years. In this way I look at the members of my family, particularly the older ones, to see the conditions and maladies that I want desperately to avoid. I’d like to avoid osteoporosis, limited movement, pain and the inability to have a conversation without quoting conservative talk radio. I try to keep my eye (both inner and outer) on this prize as I twist and strain and attempt to transform my body into a flexible, harmonious playground.

I know, I know, I’m not supposed to compare myself to other people, even my own family, but I consider this a stepping stone on the long path to enlightenment. I often dedicate my practice to my older self. The self that I hope will be more enlightened, agile, and active for a very long time to come.

It seems an inevitable law of romantic relationships that one partner will take longer to get ready then the other. Throughout the ages people have dealt with this situation in various ways including: standing by the door and getting pissed off, sitting in an idling car and getting pissed off, doing other chores around the house to stay busy while secretly being pissed off, or direct badgering of the slower partner; which usually serves to piss everybody off.  I have tried all of these methods with varying degrees of failure and much dissatisfaction. This weekend I hit on a far superior of dealing with this type of situation.

Stretch while you wait. 

This is the perfect solution because it is no coincidence that the faster, prompter (and dare I say superior) partner usually happens to be the tenser partner; both muscularly and in many other ways as well.  I can always use more stretching and I often have a hard time fitting it into my workout schedule. Stretching is a perfect activity to drop into any otherwise unproductive period of time, but its best done in a situation where you don’t mind bending over and sticking your rump in the air (not the line at the bank).

Implement this method and you will get more flexible as your partner gets prettier, everybody will be happy and you will never have to start another night on the town or day at the office with irritation and tight hamstrings.

To the casual observer it would seem that housekeeping and physical flexibility don’t have much to do with each other; with the possible exception of twisting yourself into knots trying to nab the dust bunnies behind your couch. In fact, stretching is one of the best ways to tidy up and set right a disorganized body. A well designed flexibility program lengthens the body, opens up the joints and returns us to a natural posture. A well stretched body is much like a freshly cleaned house just before the first party guests arrive, primed and ready for anything. Putting away your socks and taking the dirty dishes to the sink also keeps the body warm, which makes stretching more effective. When used in an interval fashion both of these modes compliment and intensify the effectiveness of the other.

I have recently developed a “stretch and straighten” routine that I do most mornings. The basic format includes two stretches, done back to back and then two items put away. I then repeat the same two stretches; attempting to go a bit deeper the second time around, and then return two more items to their proper places. I do 10 different moves, twice each for a total of 20 stretches and put away at least as many errant objects. I hold each stretch for 15 to 60 seconds.

After the workout my body feels limber and loose and my bedroom looks great, the floor as clear and uncluttered as my mind. This system works best for the type of person who enjoys multi-tasking and who doesn’t feel wrenched when switching between different activities.

Here are a few guidelines for creating your own “stretch and strengthen” routine:

Choose stretches that work more then one muscle group or target flexibility and balance at the same time. This will save you time and keep you challenged. It’s a good idea to take a few yoga classes and borrow some of their moves as most yoga stretches are multi-dimensional. It also helps to choose moves that flow from one to the other. This will make the routine more enjoyable and effective. An example from yoga that illustrates this is a downward dog into a cobra. Pick up a yoga or flexibility book to get lots of ideas and for quick reference.

Be flexible with yourself on the tiding part of the routine. If you accidentally get caught up in doing all the dishes and lose the flow of your stretching just turn off the sink and come back to it. The dishes will wait for you to complete your next two moves. Also, don’t try to do any major housecleaning while you are doing your routine. It’s more about eliminating clutter and creating order and less about sponges and giant bottles of 409.

Put the stretches that you really enjoy at the beginning and end of your routine. You will remember these most and they will keep you coming back. It is also important to choose moves that target the areas that you are tightest. For most people this is the long muscles of their legs (hips, hamstrings, quadriceps and calves) and spine.

My routine:

Warm-up:

Body Lengthening: reaching one arm at a time toward the ceiling.

Mountain Pose

Runner’s calf stretch (up against a wall)

Pick-up 2 items

Hanging shoulder stretch (arms on my dresser)

Forward bending

Pick-up 2 items

Arms overhead side bend

Half-nelson shoulder stretch

Pick-up 2 items

Standing hip stretch (with opposite twist) both sides

Backward bend

Pick up two items

Angry cats (on my bed)

Baby pose (on my bed)

By nature I am taut beast and inhabit a body that without vigilant lengthening likes to bunch up. Despite this fact, I have never found a flexibility program that I could stick too for more than a week. The issue became even more pressing a few years back when I hit thirty and began noticing that I was waking up stiff; even when I hadn’t done an outrageous workout the day before. With the help of denial, one of my top three coping mechanisms, I learned to live with being a grumpy 80-year-old man for the first 15 minutes of the day.

In my quest to loosen the heck up I tried yoga, but could never get into the groove of it. I found it difficult to surrender such large chunks of time to something that didn’t involve a ball or any opportunities for high-fives and beer. The type of people who tend to gravitate to yoga also irritated me and made me feel even more tense. I wanted to wrap their hemp, patchouli smelling yoga mats around their beatific faces and squeeze with all the power of my mighty and stiff muscles. I’m still looking for a beginning yoga class specifically designed for people who hate people who like yoga.

My other strategy was to buy stretching books and leave them by my bed. This hasn’t worked very well either, though I always have something flat to write on in a pinch. One of my pet peeves with stretching manuals is that nobody in them really needs to stretch. Every model pictured is already human taffy and probably would remain more flexible then me for the rest of their days if they never did another downward dog (or “bend and grunt” as I like to call it).

I think learning to incorporate stretching and flexibility into your life is something like quitting smoking, you have to try a bunch of times before you get it right. You also have to do it long enough to get results, which for me include a springy, light feeling that I don’t get with other kinds of workouts. It is also good to know that before I plop my rump down at the computer for the first part of my day that I have taken steps to avoid turning into a human question mark.

Recently I have hit upon a stretching routine that is actually working for me and I want to share it with all my comrades in pre-rigamortis. Stay tuned for “Straight, Supple and Feeling Fine” and sit up straight!

To make flexibility training part of your fitness life you need a plan. Here are some ideas for ways to integrate motion training into your routine.

Set Flexibility Goals: Humans love to set and attain goals; from running a 5K to world domination, there is nothing like a clear and present challenge to get our engines revving. The good o’ sit and reach is a good place to start and there are many other positions that can be measured and then improved upon. To make it more fun try and get a group together for the assessment and agree to reunite in two months to measure your progress. If you are cooperative you can encourage each other and celebrate each other’s gains. If you’re more like me, and the pack of blood thirsty jackals I call friends, your competitive spirit and trash talking can motivate you to unheard of levels of limbosity. Change it up: Periodization, a guiding principal of fitness, recognizes that the body and mind require varied stimulation for continued improvement. If you have been doing the same stretches since you sat on a number in high school it is time to try something new. Take a yoga class or pick up a book on stretching for some fresh ideas. Yoga positions can be particularly effective for the time crunched as poses often stretch multiple body parts (while old athletic stretches tend to focus on a singular body part). Periodization also gives each time block a focus, such as power or endurance. Focusing on opening up a particular body part is helpful in developing a progressive and challenging flexibility plan. For example, work on the shoulder girdle for a month (while maintaining mobility in other areas with basic stretches). The focus strategy will allow you to see improvements more quickly and battle the perception that stretching is something you must do endlessly without any tangible results.Take a stretching vacation: There is no law that says you must stretch in the designated area of your gym. Most moves can be done anywhere and without any special equipment. Some of my favorite flexibility enhancing locations included the sauna, hot tub, shower and the spot right in front of my TV. Though it is great to stretch immediately after a workout because your muscles are warm, don’t limit yourself to just this window as after workout flexibly sessions can be easily skipped. Stretching, unlike many other types of exercise, can be done anywhere, anytime. I stretch my hips while waiting in line and my calves on the curb while waiting for the train. I stretch my wrists and neck while on my headset at work. I’m doing ankle circles with my crossed leg as I type this. Take a minute to think about where you can fit flexibility into your day. Phone a friend: It has been proven time and time again that people who join together in partnerships or groups are more likely to workout then those who hit it solo. Find someone you like to do motion training with and you are much more likely to do it consistently. Unless you’re in a yoga class or quiet area there is no reason why flexibility training can’t be a social activity so chat it up if you’re the chatty type. Partner stretching is also a great way to improve your flexibility. Get a trainer or book to learn how.

Have you ever stopped to consider the way people talk about the act of stretching? They say things like:

“I have to stretch,”

“We should stretch, right?”

“It’s too (cold, hot, late, windy, insert favorite excuse here) to stretch.”

They hardly ever say:

“It’s a great day to increase my range of motion.”

“That was some awesome strength, let’s combine it with some killer length.”

“I want to be as flexible as Gumby on a griddle. Let’s stretch Pokey!”

I say lose the word stretch and all of its negative mutations. Pursing flexibility is really about “range of motion training” or “motion training” for short. Flexibility work trains your muscles, bones and joins to operate in fuller ranges of motion, giving you freedom of movement and protection from injury.It’s time to think about flexibility as a positive, desirable part of your fitness life. Here are a few excellent phrases to get you started:

“Sorry dude I can’t bench press now. I’m focusing on motion training today”.

“Gee honey, maybe if you did more motion training you could scratch you own back.”

“Wanna see me grab my toes? That motion training is really paying off!”

It’s time to show flexibility some respect. Why is it that running without stretching is considered a workout and strength training without stretching is considered a workout, but flexibility training is not (usually) considered a stand alone workout. This is a shame because range of motion is every bit as important as endurance or strength. Without healthy, flexible joints and muscles strength and endurance activities become impossible. A flexibility session is every bit as important as any other component of fitness. Take this moment to consider how you really feel about stretching? Do you think it’s slow and boring? Is it something to be endured like taking out the trash or cleaning the bathroom? Do you check out and day dream when you’re stretching or are you fully present and aware of what’s going on with your body? Are you doing the same stretches you learned in junior high and do you wonder how long you’re really supposed to hold each position? Consider how much time you have invested in revising your flexibility routine, learning new stretches or setting new goals and you can see why you might be bored, confused or both. Come back next week for ideas on how to spice up your flexibility life and make motion training a valued part of your fitness routines.