Philosopher, pacifist and all around mighty thinker Bertrand Russell believed that within each of us lives a savage. According to Uncle Bert this savage must find expression through some means compatible with everyday life or things are going to get ugly. He suggested sports and other forms of physical activity as the best way to express the savage without getting thrown in jail. Problem is most workout plans are anything but savage; they are tame, civilized and stuffy as Babbit on a Monday morning.

Recognizing your inner savage isn’t difficult. She’s the one that wants to guzzle red Gatorade till it gushes down her naked chest or get exceedingly dirty tearing through muddy fields. This is the beastie that would rather tip over a Stairmaster then step on it. She can’t count and doesn’t know a set from a rep. She never follows directions or stresses about getting in twenty minutes of moderate cardiovascular exercise three times a week. This beast would rather chase the surgeon general around his desk then listen to his recommendations for longevity.

It is very difficult to exercise your beast and do a savage workout in most gyms. Gyms are highly civilized places. Some rules are posted on the wall but there is an even longer list that is invisible. These are rules like don’t make loud noises, don’t do an interpretive dance with your workout towel in the stretching area and don’t pull out every single weight from the rack to build Iron Henge. People stare at you if make the wrong kind of noises at the gym. They expect you to do standard movements that don’t frighten them. They get uncomfortable with too much jumping, chasing, crawling or cartwheeling. Basically gyms have all the rules and repression of the average work place, but you have to pay to be there. Don’t get me wrong, gyms serve a useful purpose and have there place; but sometimes you gotta get out.

Here are a few tips for injecting some rabid into your physical life:

Free at last!
For heavens sake get out of the gym (see above)! Most have a strong anti-savage vibe. They want to pack as many rule following, dues paying suckers into the smallest space possible. Get outside, go home or find another space that will let you run around and raise a ruckus.

Exercise naked
This works best at home, but if you live some place rural you could also do it outside (don’t forget the sun-block). I personally love to weight lift topless. If you have never had a drop of sweat run from your brow all the way down to your toes you are missing out.

Get loud
I had to practice screaming at the top of my lungs several times before I could actually do it. The first time is especially difficult. We are taught from a very young age to shut the heck up and this training runs deep. Of course, choose your location wisely for this one. If primal screaming isn’t your bag try grunting, groaning or growling. Pretending to be different animals can be helpful and entertaining. If you are too embarrassed to try this even by yourself, then you should definitely do it anyway.

Get prehistoric
If you are a gym-goer try to get through an entire workout without counting or tracking time, sets or reps. Instead of counting concentrate on how your body feels. You may wonder how you will know that you have completed your workout without any counting. Good question!

Fire is fun!
If you have been doing a particular workout for a while write it down nice and neatly on a piece of paper. Then burn it. Imagine what a fire starting savage would do instead. Then do it.

If you died in a freak treadmilling accident and were forced to eternally haunt the gym where you took your last gasping breath, your ghostly self would notice something very quickly. The average gym would be a damn boring haunt. Most people do the same workouts week after week; moving like unenthusiastic robot slaves from one machine to the next. They travel at the same slow, monotonous pace, lift the same weights, choose the same settings and listen to the same music. Then they go home to their spouses and complain about how bored they are with the gym.

This trend of boring sameness is the reason why gym ghosts spend most of their time in the locker rooms hoping for a little skin related excitement. It is also the reason why many people give up on the gym and take advantage of an all access membership to their couch instead. Not only is doing the same workout over and over death to your spirit; it sucks for your body as well. The body responds best to varied stimulation and happily adapts when it encounters new challenges.

Eventually even the horniests of ghosts gets tired of watching the guys work it in sauna and floats over to the cardiovascular machine area. This is the room with all the stationary bikes, treadmills, stair-masters and other torture devices of the moment. Most people are staring off into space, zoning out on their Ipods and going at about the same pace and resistance for their entire workout. In fitness speak this type of workout is called long, slow distance (LSD) and it is effective for many things; but it is generally not recommended more than once a week. It is also not the most efficient use of gym time for the harried professional. And it is about as exiting to do as watching a sweaty t-shirt dry.

Float down and put your finger on the up arrow of one of treadmills until the poor sucker on the belt has to sprint to avoid flying off the back. Watch him closely and when he seems about ready to drop move your finger to the down arrow and give him a break. Now he thinks the machines are taking over. He’s a little scared for the future of humanity and he’s breathing heavy and sweating profusely. Repeat this cycle until your ready to head back to locker room and you’ve just helped random treadmill guy to have his best workout in months. He burned a ton of calories, challenged all his energy systems, increased his power and speed and was mentally engaged as he switched intensities. If he could see you, he would be thanking you and giving you a big sweaty hug.

Intervals workouts are based on change and have been proven to burn more calories in the same amount of time. They do take a little more effort and planning then their long, slow boring counterparts, but they are worth it. The constant changes will keep your mind and body stimulated and challenged. You will also burn a boat load of calories and improve your ability to catch runaway strollers and rapidly departing busses.

Here’s a basic 21 minute workout to give you a taste of interval fever. It can be adapted to any cardio machine. This is strenuous so if you haven’t done anything in a while check with your doctor:

3 minute warm-up at an easy pace
Alternate 1 minute hard (talking is difficult) with one minute recovery (easy setting) x 8
2 minutes cool-down at an easy pace
Wipe the sweat off your machine and feel superior to all the robot slaves around you.
Stretch!