Though the 1980’s comedy classic Ruthless People is not often thought of as fitness movie, it can be argued that the physical transformation of Barbara Stone, played with diabolical hilarity by Bette Milder, is the catalyst for her moral transformation from bitchy, over-privileged snot to cool, down to earth accomplice in a modern day Robinhood scam against her evil husband (Danny Devito).

For those of you who haven’t enjoyed the ab workout that is Ruthless People, the basic plot starts with Sam Stone marrying Barbara for her father’s money and eventually getting frustrated when the old man refuses to die. He decides to kill the wife he never wanted anyway, so that he can score her fortune and marry his mistress. Before Sam gets the chance to chase his darling bride around the house with a rag of chloroform, she is kidnapped by a cute and bumbling couple, who Sam has screwed out of a small fortune.

Barbara is locked in their basement for most of the film. To keep busy she inflicts mental terror on her captors and begins following along with the exercise programs showing on the television set her humane kidnappers have provided. Because her husband Sam doesn’t want her back alive she’s is chained to that bed for quite a while and starts getting pretty serious about her routines, culminating with an inspiring montage showing her doing pull-ups on her bed frame and using her chain as a jump rope.

For the first time in Barbara’s indulgent, corpulent life she is losing weight, getting fit and feeling great; despite the fact that she is chained to a bed in the basement of a rundown house. I think there are a lot of useful lessons here.

1. We should all be really glad that it’s not considered cool to workout in G-string leotards anymore.

2. In the film Barbara Stone has tried every faddish way to lose weight including enduring injections of the urine of pregnant women. Fads and “get fit quick schemes” almost never work.

3. Breaking out of your routine is one way to make rapid progress. In this case Barbara went from being an uber-rich heiress who could have anything she wanted to a captive. Your change doesn’t need to be quite so dramatic, but a shakeup can be helpful.

4. Sometimes it’s good not to have options.  In the film Barbara is chained to a bed and doesn’t have anything better to do then workout. What kind of “chain” can help you get fit? Is it canceling cable so that you have to walk to get a movie? Putting away your credit card so that you’re not tempted to eat out? Telling your spouse not to let you in the house unless you have gone to the gym for the day?

5. Give your goals the time they deserve. In the film Barbara has all day and night to workout and fitness is her main focus.  If losing weight or getting fit is the top priority in your life then plan your time accordingly (using chains when necessary).

6. Simplify. For Barbara losing her freedom is the best thing that has ever happened to her. Turns out when she doesn’t have very many options, she is able to make better choices.  What tempting options can you eliminate from your life so that a healthy diet and exercise become the obvious choices?

7. You don’t need fancy equipment to get fit, just determination and imagination. I don’t recommend jump roping a chain, but you certainly don’t need a fancy gym membership or thousand dollar piece of equipment.

Now go get Ruthless!

     Sports movies can captivate and inspire us at anytime, but they are especially potent when we are 12. Our kiddo selves don’t pick apart obvious plot twists, feel manipulated by overly dramatic musical anthems or stop to wonder about the improbability of certain scenarios. “Vision Quest” is a movie that I loved as a much younger, aspiring athlete and I hoped with the innocent heart of a child that my old favorite had not aged as badly as an old wrester’s knees.
     I’m happy to report that Vision Quest is everything a 1980’s sporty melodrama should strive to be and more. It takes place in Spokane, Washington and stars a very young and super fit Modine in one of his first leading roles. Modine plays Louden Swain, an unassuming 18-year-old who wants take on “Shute”, the state’s best wrester. Shute is rumored to eat kitten ears for breakfast and likes to train while balancing telephone poles on his back. As Louden’s wise short-order cook mentor says so well, “This might be the sort of move that a reasonable man would want to avoid.”
     Indeed the odds are stacked against our questor as he tries to lose an obscene amount of weight (to make the 168-pound category), dodge the advances of a gay tai chi master, score the hot she-drifter who happens to have moved into his bedroom (see above for improbable scenarios) and get his article on the clitoris finished for the school paper; all while preparing for the wrestling match of a lifetime.
     Luckily, Louden does not have to do it all alone. A quirky cast of characters and some of the most inspiring hair music of the 80’s are there to help him through the rough patches. We can’t help but be lifted as Survivor and Louden, sporting his shiny silver and red rubber track suit, run together through the dark city streets. Heat stroke, dehydration and metabolic failure be damned! Together we can do this.
     The wresting sequences are beautifully shot and do justice to the incredible strength and fitness of any solid high school wrestler. These guys (and now girls) demonstrate the awesomeness that can be achieved with basic equipment like a jump rope, a pull up bar and a person’s own weight (check out the scene of them doing sit-ups on each other’s backs). These are functional athletes who balance strength, flexibility, endurance and the confidence to wear man leotards while going through puberty.
     I’ll skip being tossed like a sack of potatoes on a regular basis, but it is important for all of us to be fit enough to avoid and recover from falls. And working out with a purpose and a vision, it sure beats the alternative. Training like a wrestler is not a bad idea, just skip the singlet and cauliflower ears.

“Dangerous When Wet” is a film from a simpler time; a time when you could call a family film “Dangerous When Wet” and nobody thought anything dirty was going on. DWW chronicles the adventures, both aquatic and musical, of country girl Katie Higgins, played by sassy water diva Esther Williams. Our reluctant hero is part of the Higgins clan, a vigorous bunch who rise early each day to partake in synchronized calisthenics and rituals involving wheat germ. The family certainly has their health, but what they don’t have is a prize winning bull. When an opportunistic traveling huckster rolls into town Katie seizes the opportunity to land her stud (in more ways then one).
           
Her quest leads her to Europe, where with the assistance of a handsome Frenchman, she begins a valiant attempt to swim the English Channel. As far as settings for light hearted aqua comedies go, this icy and treacherous body of water is certainly a unique pick. Swimming the channel is serious business. Its 20 miles across and even further when tides and navigation are factored in to the mix. I was amazed that women were even allowed to attempt the treacherous swim back then (the film was made in 1953). Keep in mind that it wasn’t until 1967 when a woman first completed an official marathon. The swim across the channel is brutal and can take upwards of 16 hours. In her weaker moments Katie isn’t sure she’s up to it.
          
It isn’t difficult to get swept up in her valiant, Technicolor voyage. Will she save the farm? Will she give in to the advances of the charming Frenchman? Will she make it across the unforgiving channel? And all without ever wearing pants.
           
I love this movie because it shows a strong athletic woman being supported by a cast of adoring and inept men. Nobody would fault Katie if she dropped out, married a farm boy and became the female equivalent of that prize winning bull. Her delicate bare feet tip toe along between the lines of the feminine ideals of the day and athletic excellence. The film isn’t slap sticky like some of her others and includes an animated underwater scene featuring Tom and Jerry (man, can that cat swim!). Esther’s gorgeous stroke, not too much music and a story of underdog triumph make this a film that is difficult to resist.

What obscure 1976 film features the following?

Scantily clad body builders posing atop a bus cruising down the streets of Birmingham, Alabama.An inspiring musical montage featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jeff Bridges finding redemption through recreation (including the sadly endangered sport of racquetball).Leotard clad Sally Field looking fantastic and fit enough to actually fly without the help from God or any other fancy nun get-up.A water skiing dog.Give up…“Stay Hungry” is a film that I stumbled upon while seeking out my latest Gilmore Girls fix (judge me if you want but those sweet, sexy Gilmore Girls never do). Arnold’s oiled up and flexing arm dominated the cover and since I am a muscle whore I couldn’t help but grab the box. All I can say is I didn’t know what the hell to expect and the unexpected is exactly what I got.The characters were lovable, the premise vaguely preposterous and did I mention there are blue grass fiddle players? This film takes place back when the fitness industry was a new born and still gleaming with sweaty afterbirth. But Stay Hungry is much more than a fitness time capsule; its a story about the redemptive qualities of found families, fitness and love.So rent it, oil up, grab your free weights and hit play. Only your neighbors will regret it.